i had this disturbing thought the other night whilst asleep; some sort of army open house perhaps, there were mud paths and grass. it was wet and deep green, and i knew: after rain. then you appeared in your number four, not just like that; nothing magical. (or maybe because i was expecting you. perhaps.)

you were close enough for me to understand the width of your shoulders and the relationship of skin and camouflage, your deeply coloured knuckles, fingers, your lips weighed down with words. you were so close, i thought i would wake up and find you finely flowered on my left-side, alive.

the best things about today, were finishing that 40 second film at 9:00am just before ken's class, bombing art history presentation big time and a 4:30pm 帅哥 sighting.


and those fields and fields and fields, morningful and septemberish.


i feel like i've lived a year and it's into its august months already. i can hardly believe 'march'. soon it'll be april. i like aprils, and jeremies, and clouds and clouds and clouds.


i miss my grandmother. now all that is light belongs to her. i guess those stupid paper stars weren't convincing enough.


i'm going to major in photography, over film. that's if i make it through this year and all its sound design gestalt machines garden designs and TV biology alive first. it's terrible. i function on 4 hours of sleep per 2 days now, and there is never enough petes to go around.


it's not a hundred days yet. but sometimes i forget, and wearing black becomes just instinctual.

girly survey, from the journal of . nice boy who likes to draw.

i've a penchant for stuff like this that have structure. i've a penchant for stuff like this that force me to work around it's rigidity in divulging emo-shit about myself.




1. Do you currently have your period?
no.

2. OMAIGOD...
jars the nerves. i feel quite strongly about intentional misspellings. call me old-fashion if you like, i rather fling myself off a building than spell -that-.

3. Do you straighten your hair everyday?
no. i want curls. (i'm going to teach a little girl called Ophelia later. that should be interesting.)

4. Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
(it's like my goodness, a real Ophelia!)

5. Are you the typical girl who's addicted to gossip?
yeah baby.

6. What's your favorite girly magazine?
anything with nice pictures. i've (another, as with parentheses) penchant for tearing out nice pictures from magazines. the ripping sound is therapeutic.

7. Does size really matter when it comes to guys?
of course!

8. Would you kill for chocolate on your period?
chocolate. definitely. i'll plunder kill and burn for chocolate.

9. Do you get PMS really bad?
nope.

10. Jeans or skirts?
skirts. i'm a girly girl and this is a girly survey see.

11. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable just because it looks good?
of course! if not what's the point of dressing at all?

12. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
yeah, like Jeremy and Cornelius. literary (yes, monday's literature) gods.

13. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
yes, i try to.

14. Would you leave the house without makeup on?
yes, make-up melts in this climate.

15. What's the biggest turn on about guys?
oh my goodness where should i start!
ok ok, those veins that run along the forearms, long thin fingers, shoulders definitely, the jugular running under the skin just slightly visible, defined stubbled jaws, delicately shaped eyes, dark-coloured hair, commanding posture (good posture's definitely a must), pecs, darkly tanned unless in posession of a good reason like the countenance of adrien brody exceptionally swoon-worthy fair (think The Pianist!), lightly muscular legs, and clean nails.
(i think i should just go into sculpting and create my own god a la pygmalion.)

16. What about the biggest turn off?
no shoulders. and blatant disregard for books.

17. Do you consider making out "unladylike"?
nooooo...though on second thought it does seem a little so doesn't it.

18. On a scale of 1-10, how fun is shopping?
like, 100?!

19. Are you a tomboy?
i rather a 'boy-girl', like what cummings says.

20. Do you think lipgloss is the best?
mmm...no.

21. Do you HAVE to have a boyfriend at all times?
no. but i don't mind pets.

22. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
well yes, though i get over it pretty quick.

23. Do you obsess over your looks?
hell yeah, to a healthy degree.

24. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
an hour and a half, i can never decide what to wear.

25. Do you wear sweatpants/pajama pants to school because it's comfortable?
never!

26. Accessories make the outfit; true or false?
i hate saying 'it depends' and appearing all mature and wisey-shit, so (since this is a girly survey) OH YES VERY TRUE!

27. Are you a sucker for skater guys?
only when they skate with their shirts off and get into little accidents coming out with scraped chests and stuff...a little blood always makes guys look better.

28. What kind of guys do you like?
refer (15.), and throw in guys: who adore books and actually read, are painfully shy, speak chinese with that amazingly sexy real chinese accent with the soft intonations and rhythm and all, who like smiling, playing with little child-sized monsters, hold bouquets of fresh posies proudly, and think that japanese horror are just like, the best filmstuff ever.

29. Is pink truely the best color in the entire universe?
no! orange -is- the new pink and elle woods is going to burn in hell for blaspheming!

30. Is lip gloss a must?
no.

31. What's your status?
hunting, with a little bit of earl's grey.

32. Do you have a crush?
a crush? a crush?! no, i have crushes, one for each day of the week, each hour of the day...

33. Bikini, one-piece, tankini or... two-piece?
tankinis. i adore tankinis.

34. Do you take the chance on Halloween to dress like a whore?
i guess i just might if i do.

35. Ever dressed like a whore to impress a guy?
only if he'll dress just in a bow-tie for me.

36. Do you often wish there was something you could change about yourself?
yeah. i wish i can be nice to people i dislike like da chang jin. i wish i'm not inclined towards yelling fuck everything something goes wrong. i wish i don't fantasise about goring said hated person's eyes, guts and balls out everything he speaks or smile that pathetic wimpy smile. i wish i smile more. i wish i'm not so vengeful and hateful.

37. Has a guy ever given you something on Valentines?
yah. i have a cupboard full of beastly sentimental stuff i have no use for and am too polite to chuck. all i want are books and real flowers! books and real flowers!

38. Gold or silver?
both, plus a big bunch of diamonds thank you.

39. The guy that you like/love/whatever, what does his name begin with?
T, for Tony Leung, J, for Johnny Depp. then there's R for Roman Polanski and Rufus Wainwright, G for god, C for Cornelius, O for Oscar Wilde, V for Vermeer (it pains me just to -think- of his paintings)...et cetera.

40. Tight pants on guys; hot or gay?
like David Bowie or Steve Tyler? the former definitely.

41. Do you dress up too much for holidays?
never enough.

42. Do you like wearing dresses?
yes! i adore dresses! i really do!

43. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
yes, and i love every single one of them so much that i mail them out to anonymous people.

44. Do you consider yourself to be fashionable?
please, i just like dresses.

45. on a scale of 1-10, how much do guys confuse you?
confuse isn't really the right word...'disturb' more likely, yes, disturbed by how incredibly dumb some can be. the intelligent and coveted after somehow always turn out gay or married.

47. Do you worry/fuss about your weight?
yes, because i'm stuck at 44 and it's such an unfortunate number.

48. Do you eat junkfood?
only those i'm fond of, like...grass?

49. Do you work out?
i will try to, i promise.

50. What makeup product could you NOT live without?
nail polish. i love their shimmeriness and the brush that comes with them like, i can paint anywhere on the go and they dry quicker than poster paint and look better and oh my that awful acrid smell - man, i love nail polish.




ok i'm going to teach tiny monsters how to draw now.

it's how you whisper softly
in my ear (that slight ticklish love-making)
that no midnights can replace.


(so i'd rather you didn't.)

it's recess week, finally, after a couple of months of fresh new universtity life.
i am in the school of art design media but harbour secret desires for aerospace engineering.
i am contemplating an elective in yoga.
i trust carrots more than men but i do love both equally.
i believe i badly need a break from this.
i cannot understand and hence hate colour wheels.
i do not like cooked noodles because they affect my colour wheels.
i am tired after an afternoon of screaming fuck yous at my 3D design model.
i was disturbed by my model's tendency to flop to its knees.
i decided to superglue it to a stand and have been medicating myself on chocolate since.
i hope i get better before school starts next week.